Bad Dog

Ok, let me get this straight right now - Sadie is NOT a bad dog. She just does bad things sometimes.   I am going to have to take most of the responsibility for somehow raising a dog with "issues".   Some of her oddities - she refuses to drink out of her water bowl and prefers the toilet.   She is afraid to take her toys out of her basket, she will not enter a small room if someone else is standing in there, in an effort to make a "nest" every night under my bed, my 80 pound dog paws and scratches and turns in circles for about 10 minutes before she turns around.    As a result, she has torn through the carpet, the carpet pad and is now working on the sub floor.

 

Sadie thinks she is hiding under the bed

She will eat anything at all except pierogis.  If she knows there is food on the counter she will set up camp in the kitchen and stare at the desired item until we take pity on her and give her a taste.  She is even willing to share with the kittens.

 About a year ago, I noticed things missing from around the house.   One of my running shoes, a beautiful new scarf my girlfriend gave me, my Victoria Secret strapless bra, a camisole.   I searched high and low - especially for that bra, which was pricey and the only one that stayed in place.   Sadie has a doggie door, so I checked outside in the yard and garden.   No luck.  

Fast forward one year and I am cleaning up my garden after winter.   I notice I tiny little string in the corner - perfectly covered with dirt and mulch.  I pulled and out came: 

And then yesterday, I was planting my Rosemary and saw a scrap of red in the garden.   I pulled on it and out came this!

She also likes to  help me knit....

Makes short work of a tennis ball.....

And, when I am not home she climbs into bed and watches TV.....

Moment of Well Being

In this crazy world we live in we often overlook the best moments in search of the big moments.  

With 3 adult children, 7 grandchildren, a dog with issues and a demanding job, I find that the planning and anticipation of an event often ends up overshadowing the event itself.   As much as I love the holidays and special occasions with my family,  my memories are often created by looking at the photographs taken that day.

Example:   We decided it would be great fun to have a "Family Mini-Golf Tournament".   We created two teams - Green and Orange.   Much planning ensued.   Kids were out of their minds with excitement.  The big day finally arrived.   10 minutes after starting our tournament chaos reigned.   The semi-serious teenagers were mad because the little ones were cheating.    Adults were petrified someone would get a concussion from recklessly flying golf clubs.   Other patrons got impatient following a large group of bickering golfers.  The little ones were NOT happy with having to follow the rules.    Everyone ended up mad at someone and we went home without ice cream.   We did create a family memory, but not the type we had anticipated.  

Now, a couple years later the golf tournament is one of our favorite stories.   Part of the tapestry of our lives so to speak.   But so many of the GREAT memories are moments that just happen.  

Two summers ago, my 3 year old grandson was tired and cranky on the beach.  I talked him into sitting on my lap "for just a minute" and he fell asleep. 

Bliss....

Somehow I knew that this 3 year old boy would probably never fall asleep in my lap again.   And he has not.   But, for the next hour, I sat there with my sweet, sweaty boy in my arms while he slept.  I cherish that memory for the simplicity and pleasure of  just holding him.   All too soon, the moment was over and he was running off with his brothers without a backward glance.

But, for me it was just a wonderful moment of well-being.  Everything was perfect in my world at that moment.   And, when life is crazy and bringing me down I bring up that memory and the feel of the weight of that boy and I am happy. 

Grieving

I miss my Mom.

It is almost Mother's Day and 7 months since my mother died on my parent's 57th wedding anniversary. My sisters and Dad and I are like balls in a pinball machine - bouncing off each other in different directions trying to get to the same place.

Right after my mom's funeral, I voraciously read anything I could about grief and the loss of a mother.  I talked to friends who have lost their moms.   I talked to my doctor.  I wanted to know how long it would be before I felt better.  What I could do to make the biggest challenge I have ever faced easier.

Nothing makes it easier.   I just have to wake up every day and get out of bed.  

Grief sneaks up on me when I  least expect it.  It is not a gradual thing.  There is no measurable progress in healing.   One day I will be enjoying the sun on my face and my dog playing on the beach and suddenly I am hit with what feels like a physical blow so intense I am staggered by it. 

I have been waiting for it to get better.  It will not get better.  But, my moments of joy will be more frequent and last longer.  My moments of pain will always be there and I do not think they will lessen in intensity.   I will learn to not feel guilty when I find myself singing along to a song on the radio, or laughing with my friends and family.  

These are some of the things I try to remember:

• A month before she died my mom was playing miniature golf with her great grand kids
• The summer before she died she participated in our family wiffle ball games.
• She thought she was speed racer.    She got a ticket for driving almost 90 miles an hour in a 55 mph zone and was angry with the officer because she thought she was profiling her because she was a Jersey driver
• She was the Mom all my friends wished they had.
• She was always impeccably dressed. 
• She had a great group of girlfriends who loved her.
• Her only goal in life was to give me and my sisters a great childhood and start in life.

I reach for my phone to call her several times a day.  I miss her.  I miss my family being whole.   I am honoring  her by talking about her to her grand-children and great-grand-children.   I call and write notes to her girlfriends who are grieving too.  I try to support my sisters and try to help my Dad who is floundering and lonely. 

Happy Mother's Day Mom....

My Day so Far

I had to go to municipal court today about a summons for an expired license.

In my defense,  my license was to be renewed around the time mom passed and then dad got sick with a mass in his chest and then an aneurism in his brain.   Yes, I have been distracted.  The renewal got lost in a pile of papers I have been ignoring.  Keep in mind that WEEKLY I go through my dad's pile of papers and organize him.   But, apparently a cop that does a random check for no reason at ALL does not care about my personal woes.
 

Needless to say I immediately had to drive to DMV to take care of this.  And I did.

Today was the big day!  After making the big decision about what to wear and fortifying myself with a lemon bar, 4 tootsie tolls and some of the white chocolate shavings off the cake,  I got there right on time.  It looked like the line for space mountain in Disney world.  There were rows and rows of people.  There were crying babies in strollers.  There were teenagers making out.   While waiting for admittance officers of the court came around and gave us some handy courtroom tips.   Keep cell phones off and hidden.  Take your sunglasses off the top of your head.  Take your hands out of your pockets.  Pull up your pants.  Hide the national enquirer.  Stuff like that. 

Finally I got admitted to the inner sanctum where I got to stand in another line with the same hoodlooms, children and for all I know drug dealers.  They do not have separate lines for middle aged women who truly just did not have a stamp in the right place at the right time. 

Turns out the line was to wait to talk to the prosecutor who is like GOD.  He said "I will recommend this be dismissed".  At least now I got to sit down and watch the proceedings.  

Several women charged with shop lifting get fines and community service.  They are not permitted to ever set foot in Boscovs or Penny's again.   The judge pointed out that you CAN access the food court while avoiding these stores.  The sad thing was a poor woman who was stealing a shirt and shoes from Walmart and is no longer permitted to set foot in EITHER Walmart in our town. I can't even imagine where she will do her grocery shopping now.  Hope she does not starve.  I sat quietly next to Leon, who was wearing handcuffs.   The real kind- not those plastic ties.  On other side was Annamaria who was pulled over and had both pot and an open container. 

Finally the judge calls my name and pronounces it right.  I go up to the defendant table and look up.  The judge says to me "don't I know you from another life?".  Honest to god that is what he says.  I panic.  Did I sing karaoke wtih this guy some long ago drunken night at the local watering hole?   Did we date?  Was he my son's soccer coach?   I finally read his name plate.  "Judge Golden".  My ex-husband's divorce attorney.  Oh crap. 

I said (honest to god) "your honor in my defense I have sent many friends and clients your way".  He said "you are right.  I must be good at what I do if you are sending clients my way".  I told him I thought he was fair.  He said "case dismissed".  He explained to the angry crowd that there was no prejudice.  That one situation had nothing to do with the other.  That I did not deserve to do hard time because I am a messy pile keeper.   I slunk out of there amid angry stares and grumbling and high tailed it to dunkin donuts because I did all that without my coffee.  

Thanks to my excellent lawyering skills I am now a free woman and am permitted entry into any establishment I desire.