It is almost Mother's Day and 7 months since my mother died on my parent's 57th wedding anniversary. My sisters and Dad and I are like balls in a pinball machine - bouncing off each other in different directions trying to get to the same place.
Right after my mom's funeral, I voraciously read anything I could about grief and the loss of a mother. I talked to friends who have lost their moms. I talked to my doctor. I wanted to know how long it would be before I felt better. What I could do to make the biggest challenge I have ever faced easier.
Nothing makes it easier. I just have to wake up every day and get out of bed.
Grief sneaks up on me when I least expect it. It is not a gradual thing. There is no measurable progress in healing. One day I will be enjoying the sun on my face and my dog playing on the beach and suddenly I am hit with what feels like a physical blow so intense I am staggered by it.
I have been waiting for it to get better. It will not get better. But, my moments of joy will be more frequent and last longer. My moments of pain will always be there and I do not think they will lessen in intensity. I will learn to not feel guilty when I find myself singing along to a song on the radio, or laughing with my friends and family.
These are some of the things I try to remember:
- A month before she died my mom was playing miniature golf with her great grand kids
- The summer before she died she participated in our family wiffle ball games.
- She thought she was speed racer. She got a ticket for driving almost 90 miles an hour in a 55 mph zone and was angry with the officer because she thought she was profiling her because she was a Jersey driver
- She was the Mom all my friends wished they had.
- She was always impeccably dressed.
- She had a great group of girlfriends who loved her.
- Her only goal in life was to give me and my sisters a great childhood and start in life.
Happy Mother's Day Mom....
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